It’s been a hugely exciting summer already here at Cordite Towers. We’ve had to postpone our holidays, dust down our ref link and try to remember the latest scrum engagement command (“Crouch, Touch, Pet”?). And it’s all down to the quality of stories from our VBFs in the media.

Here’s our favourites (so far):

<insert name of journeyman Southern Hemisphere player> has signed for <insert Irish province> to replace the leaving/retiring hero <insert legend here>. The IRFU pointed to the oddles of cash they didn’t make as justification for the exciting signing of <player>. Province CEO said “facts from Wikipedia, followed by insistence he was first choice”. Union CEO said “you can take your HEC success and shove it – it costs too much”

<insert name of player with 3 England caps> has signed for <insert name of club with zero chance of making Premiership playoffs>. He spent 4 years at <insert name of other useless English team here> before heading to France for a largely unsuccessful 12 month stint with <insert mid-table French team here> for whom he made 3 starts, one of which was that 12-6 Amlin Challenge Cup thriller against <insert name of rubbish club he is joining>. <Insert name of barmy Welsh-English journalist here> once wrote a full page spread alluding to his ‘wonderful power’.

Gavin Henson has signed a one-year pay-as-you-play deal with <insert name of publicity-hungry club here>. Henson, who famously has 2 children with <insert name of megalomaniac Sunday Times rugby journalist here>, insisted he had turned over a new leaf and was ready for the challenge of the Anglo-Welsh Cup

<Irish province> have announced the signing of journeyman tight five forward <insert name of player you have never heard of here> from <insert English Championship team here>. “<player> is a huge prospect”, insisted <coach> “plus he is Irish-qualified through his great-great-great-grandmother, so the union made us take him”

<Local hero> may be a fearsome presence on the pitch, but off it he is patient, gentle, intelligent and good-looking. He took some time out of his gruelling pre-season schedule to talk to <insert obsequious domestic journalist> and was optimistic about the new season. “We have have lost <leaving/retiring local hero>, but <Southern Hemipshere journeyman> and <tight five forward no-one has ever heard of> have made a real difference already – they already have been punked by <insert name of renowned joker here> and found him hilarious” he said. “We’re targeting that last runners-up spot in the HEC – away quarter-finals in <insert name of ground Saracens will be playing in come April> are the stuff of dreams”

<French club bankrolled by propersterous owner> have made huge changes to their playing roster this season in a bid to resurrect their glory days of <insert period prior to existence of colour TV> and fight for a place in the knockout stages of the Top 14.  Out go <interchangeable South Africans, Islanders and second tier French players who got capped twice under Lievremont> and in their places wil be arriving <interchangeable South Africans, Islanders and second tier French players who got capped twice this summer under Philippe Saint Andre and a Welshman>.  It is expected to improve their position from <somewhere between 11th and 13th> to <somewhere between 7th and 9th>.

<insert name of young-ish-but-getting-on back here> has vowed to make the <insert name of Irish province here> and Ireland <insert jersey number> jersey his own this season, in conversation with <obsequious domestic hack>. “I’m tired of being shunted around the backline” declared <hero> “and I’ve told <coach> I’m gung ho for <jersey number> this season”. Joe Schmidt will surely be watching closely, added <obsequious journalist> without mentioning his maddening inconsistency, or he’ll have me to answer to.